Catching Up

Our family on Grace's 9th birthday, wig included.

This little blogger needs to get with the program! Has it really been a month since my last post? Yikes!

Overall, it's been a time of ups and downs. When I feel bad, I feel very, very bad. And when I feel good, I feel like a normal person. During the bad times, I don't really feel like writing a blog post. Maybe I don't want to rain on everyone's parade. Who wants to spread bad news? And when I'm feeling good, I just want to live my normal little life, be with my family, and catch up on everything that has piled up while I was feeling yucky.

Oct. 28th was my most recent treatment. It marked the beginning of the end of chemo for me, which was great. I am now over halfway done, with three treatments left of the total 8. By my figures, that's 62.5% done... a much better number than when I started.

The first 4 treatments were AC, which brought on some very nasty nausea. Now AC is done! No more! I can eat! And so far, no more metal taste in my mouth! Woot woot!! I will take every chance to be grateful that I can.

My most recent treatment was Taxol. I had hoped that T would be easier, but have discovered that it's just as challenging in it's own way. T brings with it incredible bone, muscle, and joint pain, just like having a nasty case of the flu. At this point, it's hard to know if it's the T bringing the aches, or the Neulasta shot. I went for my weekly blood draw last week and discovered that my white cell count had skyrocketed up to 51 as a result of the Neulasta. The normal range is 4 to 10. And while I was on AC, my white count was at about 1.

I feel like a guinea pig. The first time they give you a dose of any chemo, they have to follow the standard protocol, see how you react, and then adjust from there. So this time I am sure they will adjust the medicines so my white count doesn't get out of control. But this past week was no fun, as it often hurt to walk and I had the worst headaches imaginable.

Today I am feeling like a fairly normal version of myself, which is an amazing relief. However, Saturday was a difficult day. I can tell that my body is increasingly more tired, and my emotions tend to follow. It's difficult to keep plugging away with this rigorous cancer treatment, and of course there are moments when my courage fails. I wonder if it's ever going to end and if I will come out on the other side with plenty of life to live. Will this be the end of me? There are days when I feel like renaming this blog "Weak and Frazzled," or "Doing Good Just to Show Up" to maore accurately reflect hos I feel.

But then Sunday came and I was able to go to church. We went 2 weeks ago as well, which was the first time since July. Yesterday it seemed particularly meaningful. It was so refreshing to be out with people and off the couch. One of the scripture readings was from Haggai. The prophet talks of rebuilding the wasteland of Jerusalem, and that it will be better than before. He says to "Take courage and work." Somehow, it was just what I needed to hear.

Later in the afternoon, we drove up to the mountains and took a short hike up to Palisade Falls. We took Grace and her good friend Aidan, who chatted all the way about Pokemon. Getting outside was such a boost as well. I find myself back on track and able to face the week with more hope than I was feeling earlier.

Today is our first real snowfall in Bozeman. It started this morning and is still going. It's beautiful. This morning, Grace was running around the house shouting, "SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW!" Her joy was contagious. I've been able to get some work done today, and later this evening have a massage to look forward to. Right now, all is well. One day at a time on this road. Today, I am just happy to be here.

Love,
Susan