Time has gone rapidly rushing by, and I have been remiss in my blog updates. The good news is that I am spending less time on the couch these days, and more time living. Let's see if I can get back on track...
The other day I received an email from a dear aunt asking, "How are you?" So rather than try to cover everything, I'll try to answer that question.
For the longest time I think I needed a break from talking about all this. It's been nice to put some distance between myself and the horrible events of the past few years and just go about my daily life. One of the best things for me has been to throw myself into my work. I really think it has kept me sane. My work right now is working on my graduate degree. I love learning, always have. My mind and my time are completely consumed with my studies and my research. I love it, but it's very intense. It leaves me very little time to worry about myself, which is probably the best thing for me right now.
They say that most cancer patients feel the emotional fall-out after treatment ends (depression, anger, etc.) I can see why. You don't feel like you're "doing" anything to fight the disease anymore. Now there's just this big ocean of worry... "Will it come back?"
This worry for me is compounded by history. My mom passed from breast cancer. And this summer, my dear cousin passed from it as well. Extremely heartbreaking and tragic, no way around it. So, if I give myself any time to brood, I can start to feel like I might be next. That perhaps death has me in his cross-hairs. (Why is death always referred to as "he" anyway?)
Grad school plus family and home responsibilities had given me little time to contemplate all this. For anyone who has been through trauma, I would recommend taking on a new challenge. Call it "Distraction Therapy." Take 2 graduate level courses, throw in 88 research plots, and you have a recipe for happiness. I hope to write more about my research in future posts...
Mentally, I am happy to report, I am doing well. Except for when I'm tired, I feel a renewed sense of purpose and hope. Actually, it's a bit ironic. Prior to my diagnosis, depression was a detour I would take every now and again. (Don't we all?)
Now, I feel like I really don't have the time. My time is too precious and I have too much to accomplish during my short time here on earth. Moping only gets in the way. Cancer has brought clarity, in that respect.
One challenge I have is the lingering effects of chemo-brain. My short-term memory is atrocious. Really. I have to write everything down. And even then I don't always remember. I can't remember conversations I had earlier today. Can't remember names of people. My speech is slower, and I have trouble finding the right words in a conversation. I know it's there, and I can feel myself reaching for the right word, but my mind moves as if encased in raspberry jam... very slowly. I have no capacity to multi-task and need big chunks of time to get any proper work accomplished. Email has become a nuisance as it interrupts my train of thought. I find I use it less and less these days.
Regarding my overall health, I'm still slowly recovering. Fatigue seems to be my constant companion. I am learning to adjust to this new normal and find that I have less energy and reserves for the stresses of daily life. So I take naps, go to bed early, and get only a fraction of my daily tasks finished.
I had this crazy idea that I would be exercising regularly by now... and if you count walking I am. But no Lance Armstrong action here yet. I do a small jog/walk exercise every few days, along with walking about 30 minutes every day. Happy to do it.
Medical follow up is strange. They don't really do it. Because the truth is, that if the cancer comes back, they have no further treatments to offer me. I get an x-ray once a year. That's it. Weird, but at the same time, fine with me. I have check ups every 3 months. My last one was in January. My doctor offered to do a bone scan for me, just so I could have peace of mind that the cancer hadn't come back. Bone scans are no fun... they inject you with radioactive dye, then you wait for 4 hours and they scan your body. So it's half a day spent at the hospital, more needles, and radioactivity. Um, No thanks, I said. For me, I just felt like I have given more of my time to this awful thing that I ever wanted to, I refuse to give 4 hours more. There's a lot I can do with 4 hours, thank you very much... like study statistics.
I am on a medicine that reduces the chance of recurrence. Every 3 months I get a shot that keeps my body into early menopause. Then I take a daily medication that counteracts any remaining estrogen in my body. The side effects of all this are no fun, hot flashes and arthritis. So I feel like an old lady. Oh well. At least I'm here to talk about it, right?
One goal for this year is to get my sexy back. I want to keep this hot man of mine around! I can't just go slumming around. So fashion and makeup are playing a big role in taking care of myself and having fun. I am finding that life's greatest challenges are best met with some knee-high black boots and Christian Lacroix perfume!
I had reconstructive surgery in Seattle in the fall. There are still a few more steps in the process, so I'm not "done." The new girls are better than nothing, that's for sure. But the originals are by far the best. I do miss them.
Ugh. Enough medical stuff. Isn't it just awful? Moving on to other topics... such as my hair! It's a crazy mish-mosh. I had great hopes that I would be sporting a very chic Audrey Hepburn-esque pixie cut... but I'm afraid it's more Albert Einstein than anything. It's a fuzzy mash of tangled curls. But like everything else, happy to have it. I'm close to putting it up in a pony-tail. Pictures to follow when that day happens!
So much more I could say, but for now I will say good night and hope to write more again soon. Reveling in the victory of getting this blog post up and not leaving everyone hanging. Blessings and love.
Susan
